The Killer Of Joy: Expectations [Episode #574]

This week’s topic is: The Killer Of Joy: Expectations

We don’t usually use that term, killer, but it is pretty dramatic in our lives. How much our joy just gets sucked out of the moment of a situation of the day when we put the heavy cloth of expectations on top of it. This plays out in many different ways from the way that we perceive our body or the way that we show up in the world in relationships, in our work and our career.

This is a big one to tackle so we can start to bring that shining light of awareness and healing and move forward more expectation free. Let’s start to explore the subtle and not so subtle ways that we put this heaviness on ourselves, and as time goes on we start to realize that we do have free will and we do have a choice.

It’s amazing when we start to step back and realize that some of the behaviors, beliefs and some of the things that we thought had to be a certain way, actually don’t have to be that way at all. It moves us one step forward towards enlightenment, full liberation and freedom, which is really the goal of life.

Have you been wondering about this very topic? If you want to know the answer to this question and 3 more sent in by Beauties just like you, listen now to find out!

Remember you can submit your questions at https://mysolluna.com/askkimberly/

[Questions Answered]

Laura – Ontario  

How do I separate my intrinsic intentions from my extrinsic intentions so that I can return back to my inner peace? Like you I am a recovering perfectionist and have gotten to a really good place with my relationship with my food and body. But lately I feel like I’m losing grasp of my inner peace and have been experiencing food guilt and body shame. I feel it in my body that I’ve gained weight and this keeps me in my head and leads to consistent self-doubt about my choices. My why is always about feeling good, but the stress of looking my best for my upcoming wedding day isn’t helping my mental space.

Sunflower Moonberry May – Wa 

How do you not let people walk all over you and say no in a respectful way?

Cristina – Idaho 

Hi Kimberly – I live at home with my entire family and am the only one who is trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I feel defeated when I’m surrounded by a family that is going in the opposite direction. I’m trying not to judge but am always expecting at least one of them to maybe show interest in changing. At a loss. Any advice besides moving out?

Anna – Vancouver

Any tips on maintaining my own peace around someone who is eternally negative? I’m obsessed with family, and I’m extremely close to mine and my husband’s family. His mother however, is an extremely negative, angry soul, and has alienated all her children and ex husband. I’m the only person she is on speaking terms with, and I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to shoulder the negativity. I fear the effect on my life and my children’s life, however I can’t cut her out of our lives.

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Other Podcasts you may enjoy!:

• Overcoming Disappointment, Unmet Expectations and Grief
• Cutting Out Expectations and Reducing Disappointments
• How to Flow with Life in Your Own Timelines with John Pisani
• Breaking Through Old Habits and Fears!

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Transcript:

Note: The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate. This is due to inaudible passages or transcription errors. It is posted as an aid, but should not be treated as an authoritative record.

Hey Beauties, and welcome back to our Thursday Q & A podcast where our topic this week is The Killer Of Joy: Expectations. Wow. That is a dramatic title, I have to say. We don’t usually use that term, killer, but it is pretty dramatic in our lives. How much our joy just gets sucked out of the moment of a situation of the day when we put the heavy cloth of expectations on top of it. And this plays out in many different ways from the way that we perceive our body or the way that we show up in the world in relationships, in our work and our career. So this is a really, really big one to tackle, and I’m so excited that all these questions have come in from our amazing, beautiful community on this topic to really bring it to the forefront so we can start to bring that shining light of awareness and healing, and we can start to move forward more expectation free.

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All right, my loves, let’s get into our topic today, The Killer Of Joy: Expectations. So let’s start to explore the subtle and not so subtle ways that we put this heaviness on ourselves, and as time goes on we start to realize that we do have free will and we do have a choice. It’s amazing when we start to step back and we realize that some of the behaviors and some of the beliefs and some of the things that we thought had to be a certain way, actually don’t have to be that way at all. And so it moves us one step forward towards enlightenment, full liberation and freedom, which is really the goal of life.

Question #1 around the topic of: The Killer Of Joy: Expectations: How do I separate my intrinsic intentions from my extrinsic intentions so that I can return back to my inner peace? Like you, I’m a recovering perfectionist and I’ve gotten to a really good place with my relationship with my food and body. But lately I feel like I’m losing grasp of my inner peace and I’ve been experiencing food guilt and body shame. I feel it in my body that I’ve gained weight and this keeps me in my head and leads to consistent self-doubt about my choices. My why is always about feeling good, but the stress of looking my best for my upcoming wedding day isn’t helping my mental space.

So, first question comes from Laura, and she lives in Ontario, Canada. Hi, Laura, sending you so much love out there. My husband is Canadian as well. He’s originally from Montreal, so a little soft spot in my heart for Canada. And she writes, “How do I separate my intrinsic intentions from my extrinsic intentions so that I can return back to my inner peace? Like you, I’m a recovering perfectionist and I’ve gotten to a really good place with my relationship with my food and body. But lately I feel like I’m losing grasp of my inner peace and I’ve been experiencing food guilt and body shame. I feel it in my body that I’ve gained weight and this keeps me in my head and leads to consistent self-doubt about my choices. My why is always about feeling good, but the stress of looking my best for my upcoming wedding day isn’t helping my mental space.”

I love this question, and thank you so much, Laura, for really speaking your heart and your truth and sharing this with us. So, first of all, I think it’s really, really interesting that you talk a lot about food and body. Now, I want to take us back to our four cornerstones for a moment. Our four Solluna cornerstones, our foundation for living a truly joyful, peaceful, healthy, in a real way, the real way of feeling health and beautiful life is to not necessarily go deeper down the rabbit hole of one or two, but to go wider and to be expansive and to take a holistic approach. So, food, body, emotional well-being and spiritual growth. And what I see in this question is the fixation in two of the cornerstones, food and body.

What we need to do is actually, instead of tackling them necessarily further, sounds like you’ve done a lot of introspection, a lot of work on these cornerstones, is to actually go deeper into the other two, which aren’t mentioned here. The emotional side and the spiritual side. So I’ll tell a little story about myself as I am a recovering perfectionist, as you mentioned. This relationship with my body has been quite fraught with just hatred, self-doubt, body shame for many, many, many years, especially the bloatedness I would feel on my tummy, and I would just feel flabby all around. And so I went down this journey. I became a nutritionist. I started writing food books. I started to do a yoga practice and I was okay. My muscles were looking toned and all this is going well.

But at a certain point, even when we do reach a certain level of healing from a food and body perspective, there’s little cracks that start to show up. And it became this deep calling. One obvious way for me was, I was in unhealthy, not fully fulfilling relationships with my boyfriends, in my serious relationships, and it was just manifesting in all sorts of ways. I wasn’t sleeping that well, so on and so forth. And so I will say today, for the past few years, especially, I’ve done a really deep dive into my emotional states and my triggers and my wounds and I’ve really dialed in my meditation practice. Not just doubled down on it, but tenfold increased my focus on it. The reason I tell you this is because nowadays, and I say this because it’s possible for you, you listening to this, I don’t say it to toot my own horn in any way, otherwise I just keep it to myself.

It is much easier for me to maintain my weight and my body and my muscle tone, and even the tone of my stomach, which was an area that was so sensitive to me. Actually, I’ve definition in my stomach and I’ve shed so much energy in holding. And you realize that energy is energy. I’ve been talking about this since The Beauty Detox Solution when I used the term beauty energy. Energy is energy. So we tend to focus on the physical. We tend to focus on the food and we tend to focus on the workouts and the shape of our body. But if you really want to work with the underlying energy that shapes that in the first place, the reason that we have food cravings, the reason that… Somewhat unexplainable means from a scientific perspective. But when we’re stressed we hold more weight. When we fixate, we hold on more, right? It’s all energy.

So my advice to you, Laura, is to go into your meditation practice. Go into the practice as we talk about for emotional well-being, journaling, community. I encourage you to join our Solluna Circle. It is such a healing, supportive space where I can support you on a daily basis. It’s the membership part of our app. You can check it out there if you’re interested, and really connect with that inner space. And then it just moves energy. You feel lighter and you will become lighter in a spiritual and a physical sense. It’s not just ideas and theory. You actually see your body become lighter because all that trapped emotion, and on a scientific level, we know that old feelings cause restriction and tightness and hormonal shifts, extra secretion of cortisol and imbalance in other hormones.

We know that it does things to our blood pressure and it reduces our digestion because there’s less circulation in our GI tract. All sorts of things happen in the body. So what I recommend is twice a day, morning and evening, even if it’s just five minutes each time, take the time to breathe, do our free meditations, our guided meditations, make that as important as your food choices. It’s as important. In fact, it’s way more important, but definitely do both. And then just start to journal and process. And again, I encourage you to join the circle that I created. I think it’s a real powerful space.

I can support, specifically, the emotional cornerstone for all of us Beauties in the spiritual one. But any means you have to really dive into those two cornerstones, I encourage it and I promise you, you will start to get amazing results. And all these expectations or fixations will start to soften. And what’s ironic about it, and Ram Dass talks about this, too, when you let go of those demands, when you let go of those expectations, you actually get way better results. So, I’ll leave you there. Sending you lots of love, Laura, and thank you so much for being part of our community.

Question #2 around the topic of: The Killer Of Joy: Expectations: How do you not let people walk all over you and say no in a respectful way?

All right. Our next question comes from Sunflower Moonberry May. Amazing name. She lives in Washington State. Hello, my love. Question. “How do you not let people walk all over you and say no in a respectful way?” I love this question and this has to do with connecting first inside and connecting to our worth, our real worth. This is when we start to go beyond the denigrations of body shame. I’m not saying like… My body is far from perfect, but my respect level for myself has risen so much that I don’t beat myself up in the same way. So, it’s an energy that you hold. You hold this space for yourself. And what you find is that inner terrain, your inner state does start to impact your outer world.

So people will start to notice that shift where you are in your power, so to speak. You are aligned. You’re connected to your true self, not to the identifications of the ego alone. What you look like, how tall you are, what color your hair is, how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, all this stuff which is shifting and changing and so creates a lot of turmoil, if that’s where your identity comes from. So instead we connect back to our real source of confidence and we connect back to our worth. And when we do that, it becomes very easy to create healthy boundaries. And when I say healthy boundaries, I mean, we are able to discern what is okay with us, what is the line we want to put up, and what lines do we hold sacred?

And so, you can stay connected and you can stay kind. It’s not about that. It doesn’t cross over into that, but it’s more about feeling truly good about what you are, how you are conducting yourself in any situation and how people around you are interacting with you. So something’s starting to not feel good, it doesn’t mean that you have to become this raging monster and dramatically change your personality. You hold the space and you communicate, and you have so much self worth and you’re so grounded in yourself that you can do that in a calm way. It doesn’t have to involve being disrespectful, your word here, Sunflower, or yelling or doing anything. But the more connected we are, the more calm we are and we can use the language and the words and the communication that is still compassionate and connected with others, but we are showing up for ourselves.

So then we show up for others, including showing them, “Hey, this isn’t really a kind, loving, connected way to interact with me, so that’s not going to work.” And you can do that in beautiful ways. Sometimes it’s direct. Sometimes, for me, I will text. I had to hold a healthy line with in-laws for instance, my mother-in-law who was wanting to know where her son was and what he was doing, and it started to just feel intrusive. And it comes from a loving place, but I just held that space and in a loving way communicated, “If you want to know what’s going on with John, text him directly or ask him because I’ve got a million things going on and I think it’s best if you guys have your own relationship.”

That’s something that would have been really hard for me to do a few years ago, but I think in the end people appreciate it because they know where you stand and you’ve held that line and it feels good. Clarity feels good to people. And so I encourage you, Sunflower, to notice when something doesn’t feel right to you and to start noticing patterns. And, same thing that I was saying to Laura in the last question about that spiritual connection, that growth that comes, the more we sit in silence, in meditation, stillness, and we are in our bodies or breathing, but we’re connecting to the place that’s deeper than the physical.

We are connecting to our essence, to our soul, to our spirit. And when we do that, we naturally have healthy boundaries and lines, including with ourselves, including the way we speak to ourselves, including the way that we treat our bodies and what we put in our bodies. Because, again, the food cravings and the junky cravings and all of that just comes from, and I say this with compassion because I’ve been there for a lot of my life, it just comes from a little bit of disconnection. So then as we start to get more and more connected, which we can’t do from food alone, we have to go wider in the cornerstones, so we do that with our spiritual practices like meditation, it naturally balances the food and now it starts to balance our bodies and then our relationships start to become more fulfilling and more just respectful and heightened in communication. So it really does all work together. So thank you so much for your question, my love, Sunflower, and sending you so much love.

Break

All right, Beauties, we’re going to have a short break and when I get back, we have two more questions for you guys on this wonderful topic, the killer of joy. Expectations.

All right, my loves, we are back and we have two more questions for you guys on this topic, expectations, destructor of joy, destructor of peace. We know the more that things, we are wanting it to be a certain way, we’re sort of expecting and fixating, it means that we narrow things down and we close off energy. It’s like if you take a tube and you squeeze it and you squeeze it and now there’s less air flow going through the tube, less possibility, less energy, less prana, right?

So, what we want is we want to stay open and we want to feel open and light in our bodies. That’s why it’s a good idea to stretch and to walk and to move. We want to feel the lightness of not holding onto anger, resentment, jealousy, grief, sadness, all these heavier emotions. We want to digest them and move them through us because that closes the field, too. If we are encrypted with this chronic energy, let’s say of resentment, that is a lower frequency. That’s a lower, smaller, so to speak, energy field. So we really want to open things up.

Question #3 around the topic of: The Killer Of Joy: Expectations: Hi, Kimberly. I live at home with my entire family and I’m the only one who’s trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I feel defeated when I’m surrounded by a family that is going in the opposite direction. I’m trying not to judge, but I’m always expecting at least one of them to show interest in changing. I’m at a loss. Any advice besides moving out?

All right, our first question here, back from the break, comes from Christina who lives in Idaho, and she writes, “Hi, Kimberly. I live at home with my entire family and I’m the only one who’s trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I feel defeated when I’m surrounded by a family that is going in the opposite direction. I’m trying not to judge, but I’m always expecting at least one of them to show interest in changing. I’m at a loss. Any advice besides moving out?” So, Christina, this is very clear. I love this question, and the whole time I was reading your question, I just had this little voice in my head screaming, “Let go. Let go. Let go.” There are times where it is really clear-cut and simple, I believe, and in this case it is the energy and the power that comes from simply letting go.

What I mean by that is, you are walking your walk. You’re living your life. You’re making shifts and changes. And it really isn’t our job to change other people. We can give that example, which is a beautiful, loving thing to do, but if they don’t want to change and they’re not ready for us, we cannot change them. And so what you do is you let go. You bless them, you love them, you stay connected to their hearts, but you let go completely of this expectation of wanting to change them, wanting to listen to you, wanting to believe you, wanting to emulate your foods, whatever it is. You fully let it go. And I mean, let it go inside. Really let it go.

It doesn’t mean that you don’t care. It doesn’t mean that, on some level, you would like them to change, but you let go of the expectation. So the Letting Go book, which I talk about so much to you guys, by Dr. David Hawkins, he describes it like dropping a weight. When you let go, you make that conscious choice in that moment where that feeling starts to come in like… That stickiness, like, “Oh, I wish they would change,” or, “I wish it would be this.” Those are all the should, the wish, should be, all the words of expectation. So you make a conscious choice in that moment. “I’m just going to let it go. Let them be where they are in their journey.” And it’s one of the most powerful things you can do. It liberates you and it liberates them.

So, let’s talk about you first. You are liberated of this heaviness that you may think is helping, or your intention is trying to help, but in actuality, it’s creating heaviness and separation because people can feel the heaviness of expectations. And when we have expectations on others, it never feels good to them. And at the same time, it liberates them. When people are backed into a corner, they don’t usually want to shift. But if you give them the space, they may come on their own. So, my husband, John, was plant-based after I met him. He was full carnivore, big Keto guy. And he’s like, “I want to try your way.” He’s probably trying to impress me, so he became full vegan.

And after a time I said, “Listen, if it feels good to you…” Like, I would share information, share my feelings. But I said, “You know, it’s up to you.” And so after some time he went back to his carnivore ways and I didn’t judge, I didn’t push. I just let it go. And I mean it, guys, I let it go. And then, of course, we live together, so I share my practices and we have gratitude practices we do at the dinner table as a family. We have a morning practice. The children come in the bed and we have snuggle time. We meditate together, and on his own, he literally said to me one day, “I love animals. I know it’s the right way. I know it.”

And so he became plant-based. Fully plant-based. So now it’s been about eight months and it’s amazing because I’m liberated and he is liberated. He knows it is on him. There is no pressure which can create all that divide and friction in a relationship. He is liberated. He has made his own choice which feels really good, especially to men, I think. They don’t want to feel backed into a corner by their wives or well-meaning sisters, daughters, whatever it is. So it’s so beautiful to witness and to be on this side of it. So, I encourage you, Christina, and I know this comes from a heart-centered place.

I know this comes from love, but I encourage you to really, really let go and to continue to take care of yourself and to carve out that little part of the fridge that’s the healthy foods, whatever you need to do, and to just go through and focus on your life and your light and your energy, and just not worry about it. Just really let it go. And let me know. I’m excited. Report back to me and let me know how it goes in a month or so. Let me know how it feels, and we’ll continue the conversation. Thank you for being in our community, my love. Sending you a huge virtual hug out there to Idaho.

Question #4 around the topic of: The Killer Of Joy: Expectations: Any tips on maintaining my own peace around someone who is eternally negative? I’m obsessed with family and I’m extremely close to mine and my husband’s family. His mother, however, is an extremely negative, angry soul and has alienated all her children and her ex-husband. I’m the only person she is on speaking terms with, and I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to shoulder the negativity. I fear the effect on my life and my children’s lives. However, I can’t cut her out of our lives.

Right. Now, the final question comes from Anna, who lives in Vancouver. We’re having a little Canadian moment on this pod today. I love it. She writes, “Any tips on maintaining my own peace around someone who is eternally negative? I’m obsessed with family and I’m extremely close to mine and my husband’s family. His mother, however, is an extremely negative, angry soul and has alienated all her children and her ex-husband. I’m the only person she is on speaking terms with, and I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to shoulder the negativity. I fear the effect on my life and my children’s lives. However, I can’t cut her out of our lives.”

So, Anna, I love this question. I think this is real practical, real-world stuff here, and there are people in our lives, family members, especially, that we’re not going to cut out, but they have an energy that doesn’t resonate with us. And so I will say that it’s important to create those healthy boundaries that we talked about earlier and to know the line of how much you let someone in. So, for me, one of my healthy boundaries is, I’ve taken back my power of my time and my schedule and I don’t answer texts back right away. I don’t care who you are. If it’s not an emergency, I answer when I’m batching my texts, and I decide when to let people in.

And I’ve just made a decision to not post so much personal content publicly on social media. I will post some when it feels good, but I post my family now more in our Solluna Circle. There’s a chat room, the daily chats, and so I’m more comfortable in that inner, inner circle. So these are ways that I just keep creating healthy boundaries as I go along. And so I would encourage you to do the same, Anna. If she is negative and angry, you decide. You don’t have to cut her off, but you can decide how much you want to speak to her, how much you want her energy to be around. Maybe you limit the time you talk to her on the phone, or the time you’re in person. So I would just encourage you to really introspect there.

Another thing that really caught my energy when I was reading your question is you use the word obsessed. And I know we use these terms in a little bit of a facetious way in our society. “I’m obsessed with this.” And it just becomes part of the general vernacular, the general speak that falls out of our mouth. But I do think that there’s truth and energy and word choice. And so, to me, we feel great love for our families, but when we’re overly attached, or shall I say, obsessed, it means that maybe it’s a good idea to step back and look at the ways where we can detach a little bit. It doesn’t mean we don’t love, it doesn’t mean we’re not super close, but the ways that we can just maintain our center. Ultimately, when we connect to our center, when we meditate, when we connect in, when we do our practices, when we take care of ourselves with our diet, take care of our bodies, all the cornerstones, emotionally, we are able to give more of that love and that compassion and that strength to our loved ones.

And also, at the same time, when we have a little bit of that letting go, the shedding of the attachment and the obsessions, it means that certain people don’t bother you as much. So that’s part of it as well. It means that if we become so grounded in our sense of self, these little things that our mother-in-law might say, or in-laws, or whatever it is, we kind of just let it roll off our back because we’re like, “It’s not so personal. This is her reality and her world and the turmoil that she’s going through. And so, I’m so centered in myself it doesn’t bother me that much because I know what this is really about.” So I’d encourage you, Anna, besides putting up healthy boundaries, to just keep going in your own inner work, in your own personal journey, and really connecting deep down to that beautiful soul that is Anna.

Anna is a mom, she’s a wife, she’s all these things, but at the end of the day your essential essence is beyond those labels. You are you, so you connect there. And then you can connect again, like I said, more deeply with others, but in a connected way and not an attached way. When we do that, we start to see through the behavior. It starts to bother us less. This is something that’s happened to me as well with relatives, is it used to be so painful, some of these comments and these interactions, and I used to take it so personally. But now, in my journey, I’ve just started to step back more and more and really just breathe and pull back the energy. I call it back in. I’m connected to myself way more than I ever have before and that feels amazing, and it also means that we are less reactive on the outside.

Thought of the Week

So, I love this topic. I feel like we could go into even more areas of expectation around our body and around doing this and achievement and perfectionism with food. Maybe, hopefully, we’ll cover that in other shows. But for now, I loved these questions as well. I think this is a big topic and there’s a lot more for us to dive down into. Before we go, though, I want to leave you with a quote of the week. I want to leave you with something that I’d like you to ponder and it comes back to this idea of personal power, because when we’re talking about expectations, in a way, to me, it’s giving away our personal power because we’re saying we expect it to be this way, but it’s not, so we’re like powerless. We’re victims.

We’re like, “Oh, I messed up,” or, “This happened to me,” or “This shouldn’t have happened,” or, “I should have been better,” all these complicated things. So my quote of the week that I just want to leave you with, this little seed thought idea is, you have the choice to own and reclaim your personal power. You have the choice to own and reclaim your personal power. So it means making the choice, in that moment, not to get so riled up. Make the choice to let go. We make the choice to drop that expectation. Full stop. Boom. Just imagine you’re cutting it out of your space and your energetic fields. You make the choice to nourish your body, to keep healthy foods around. It’s a way of having personal power. You can make the choice, even though it’s tough and may take some retraining, you could make the choice in that moment not to make a horrible comment about your body.

So you have the choice to own and reclaim your personal power. And, guys, it’s not about the outside. It’s not about the opportunities that may come or not come. It’s not about what other people think about you. It’s not their opinions. It is you reclaiming your personal power and the way we focused on it in this show is essentially, primarily in the show, let go of expectations, take back your power of how it should be, or the expectations and this and that. Take it back. Let go. The more we keep letting go, letting go, letting go, there’s this tremendous power which will start to rise up inside of you. And it’s so beautiful to witness. It’s so amazing and liberating. I can’t wait for that energy to spread more and more in you, my love. I love you so much. I am so off the charts, beyond words, grateful that we are connected and we have our sacred community.

I encourage you to check out the Solluna Circle. It is an extension, in a way, which feels to me an intimate podcast because I just feel connected to you and I love you and I want to support you further. So the circle membership is $14.99 a month. To me, it’s priceless because you have this community that you’re always interacting with. We have our live circles, everyone. They get to see you. You can ask me live questions. We have audios and meditations and elixirs and journal prompts, and there’s so much supportive, rich content to support your journey. So I encourage you to check it out. The app is free in the App Store, and then you can go deeper into the circle. Also, the show notes for this and others are on the website, mysolluna.com. I will be back here next Monday as usual for our next interview podcast. Till then take care and sending you so much love.

The post The Killer Of Joy: Expectations [Episode #574] appeared first on Solluna by Kimberly Snyder.